a click for my thoughts

I was sitting in my room one day and was just thinking to myself while listening to some music on my computer…and then, POP! A thought suddenly pops in, which leads to reminiscence and a realization of how much my sister means to me (altho’ it’s very seldom verbally expressed other than bdays). So, comes a lengthy deliberation out to writing….

I am not referring to girl-friends we consider sisters, but I am referring to real sisters—siblings. There are some who find sisters as chips on the shoulder, rivals, or perhaps burdens to bear. Some might have memories of being overshadowed and inferior, and some of continual bickering and arguments. And some might not have any memory of it at all.

But my memory and sentiment regarding sisters is a little different. It is not entirely unique, for it went through the typical stages of what siblings experience while growing up. Mine may have some of those irritations, insecurities or inferiorities, but there turned out to be a good twist at the end…well, not ‘the end’, because I still intend to make more wonderful memories with my sister.

I have only one sister, and she is five years older than me. I call her Manang as form of respect (which now, as I think about it, is also a term of endearment. Of course, I did not even think about that when I was young.) When we were children, it seems to me that my sister and I had a love-hate relationship. Sure, we love each other…but oh how I was sometimes annoyed me with all the orders she gave. And that was all I could think about back then. Sure, I am thankful that she takes care of me and my brother, cooks for us when mom is not home during the day, does the laundry for us…She was our second mother when mom is at work. But being a child, I was self-centered. Everytime I get annoyed with her by a simple thing she would ask me to do, I had always failed to remember what she has done for me.

As I grew up to be a teenager things were not as shallow as it was before. However, Manang and I still did not share that tight relationship expected of sisters. I, though occasionally, still got irritated by her abundance of “Do-this-Do-that”. Personality differences between us were not understood properly that I hated how she couldn’t see things my way. Oh, the clutter of our room is always an issue between us! Back then, it frustrated me to keep on cleaning after her.

We also didn’t have those typical giggles about our crushes. We share a room even at the boarding school where we used to attend, yet her outside world seemed to be quite different from mine. I was in highschool and she was in college. My life at school revolved around my academics and I didn’t even let her in on my teenage secrets.

She can be impulsive and emotional and I can be so stiff logical and rational; in fact, I even called her unreasonable. We can get along, but not very well.

Other than these, there was this inferiority issue hanging over me too. She has fair skin and I was dark. She had a nice, long, thick hair, while I kept my unruly hair short. She has grace and style. I saw myself as a thin, lanky, wide-eyed girl who is insecure with her two big front teeth. She can play the piano and sing, and I content myself to listening even though I wanted to produce music too. She at least has a sport, and I, watching along the side lines in a game, am a geek aspiring to be a genius! She can do a lot of domestic chores so naturally and creatively, and I can get by with rice and fried eggs or instant noodles for my meal. She is practical and resourceful and I am bookish. And deep within me, I admired her greatly. Yet, I was then more driven to be her equal or to outshine her than I was willing to learn from her.

Good thing I didn’t remain a teenager and with gaining of years I gathered wisdom. I began to think maturely. Slowly Manang and I started to get along better than we used to. And soon our five-year age gap doesn’t seem to make much influence at all. We learn more things about each other, and certainly share a whole lot more than we used to. We became close and became best of friends. We may still have different ways of handling problems and situations, and she still always come up to be more practical and resourceful than I am, but we acknowledge our differences more. By doing so we understand each other’s reasons and thinking for certain decisions, actions, and arguments. We never did share those giggles of our crushes but we sure did make up for it by our lengthy unplanned conversations as we lay on our beds talking till the early hours of the morning of the next day. She still is more emotional and impulsive (or daring) than I am. I am still more rational and analytical. But we are able, or at least try, to follow each others logic. She is still gifted with music and I am still her fan. She still has her grace and style, which influenced my very own. Well, I still have my short hair…she has hers short too J. No more pining behind her shadow. It was even surprising to find out that she admires me too!

Manang loves to dress me up and paint me like her own live life-size doll. At first I detest it for I thought she was trying to change me into who I am not. Yet, I didn’t know it’s just how much she longs to share those girly things with me—from make-up, dresses, to crushes and all. Now, I don’t spend so much money on clothes or shoes…big portion of my whole wardrobe was hers! I love hand-me downs from her!

Now, when I am at home, we would always often meet in the mall and look around. We sometimes eat out too. Yes, just the two of us. We’d window shop, discuss, share secrets, make fun of our insecurities and flaws, and we’d have a grand time together.

I almost miss out on those because it took me longer to catch up to her maturity level, and yet she patiently waited to share those wonderful moments with me. It took me almost two decades to realize how much she wanted and happy to have a sister. It took me a long while to really appreciate what she has done for me, how she has defended me from my brother’s teasing when we were kids, how she would always look after me, and how she has always been so responsible being my older sister. There were so many things that I have taken so lightly: the way she would tell me about a new doughnut flavor or ice cream I might want to try, how she’d give me scented letter stationeries to add to my collection, how she’d make me stationeries to use or give me stickers for my letters. She’d let me in on new fashion discovery that would suit my taste and style, how she’d play the piano and let me sing (and yes, even when I am off beat or simply off), how she’d get certain trifles because she knows I would like it, how she’d tuck me to bed when I have fallen asleep on my homeworks, how she’d let me tag along with her even when she is among her friends, how she’d share the pain for me when I am too rational to realize, and how she always got my back even before I can look around to see…

I am glad, I have a sister like her, who is more willing to simply share than to count the number of times I was appreciative or not. For everything she has given me, she did not expect anything in return (except that I do the laundry for the loonies she gives me for the washing machinesJ), but she already trusts that the goodness in me will appreciate her love. Our room gets cluttered still, and I still end up cleaning most of the time, but I don’t mind as much anymore. In fact, I join in with the cluttering J. I love my sister, and I am grateful for her!

~ by klengsfile on July 10, 2005.