a click for my thoughts

There are times when one feels *thinks* …blah. And tho’ there were joyous occasions I had experienced and been a part of lately, and tho’ there were moments that gave me natural highs lately, I still find myself feeling ‘blah’ sometimes. In fact, lately, I feel detached from my normal self. I wonder if it was what most people think: the wheel of life. Sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. Or is it a hormonal thing?

I feel like there is something that weighs me down, like guilt. But I also wonder…did i just do something wrong? If so, to whom and what? Surely I’d like to know. I dislike conflicts and misunderstanding, and if I have to say I’m sorry first, I will. Sometimes, I find myself saying it even if I don’t have to. If it means mending things, I could care less if I have to apologize first.

But being confused as to where I would get these seemingly guilt feelings tortures me. I have no idea if what I feel is really guilt or not. And if it is, I don’t even know why. I hate being in the state of limbo–this confusion…it tires my brain. It gnaws inside me, causing myself to slowly shut myself in and keep everybody out. At this early stage, I can see myself hardening into a cold stone, numbing the emptiness that has started to creep in. Smiling and laughing when needed, but struggles with the thought when alone. Oh, I hate the idea! But I’ve seen it happen before.

Am I so detached from friends? Am I longing for such companionship, for the familiar sense of belongingness I receive from them? Am I being ambitious of something, discontent with what resources I have in hand? Do I need to flee and regroup myself? *sigh* It’s futile to wonder… it only hastens the dreaded numbness.

~ by klengsfile on November 12, 2007.