a click for my thoughts

Sometimes I don’t know if my actions deserve such blessing. And yet, there it is– a wonderful family. If not for a family I won’t be able to get an opportunity to go back home…again! (One benefit of taking care of my niece is receiving a promise and the fulfillment of that promise: I get to go home to Philippines…woohoo!!!) That means I get to see my family and friends again.

Thank God for my family! Even though my family is not perfect, I am proud and thankful for them. Of course, in a basketful of apples not all red ones are sweet, and not all green are sour. But, what family doesn’t have those oddities among them? Regardless, I love my family still, and hopefully my actions won’t show any condemnation or anything that would make any of them turn away from the closeness we already share. For, who am I to make them feel uncomfortable or picked on when I for one make mistakes? And I for one experience family’s grace many, many times. Besides, these ‘green’ apples might be that they are merely taking time to sweeten and ripen.

Let me indulge this ponderings…

I was brought up in an environment that values strong family ties. Thus, I am a family-oriented person. It comes with my culture and as a family legacy. Both of my parents’ sides share that same value. Unfortunately, I am not very close to my mother’s side because, while I was growing up, we were islands apart. But I am close to those who were near us, of course! (‘Near’ meaning, a walking distance or a few hours travel. Unless one lived/lives or traveled/travels around Philippines, one will never understand what I mean.) On the other hand, I grew up being able to visit with my relative from my father’s side more often; hence, this subject is mainly based on that side of my family.

Expressing my subjectivity, let me say that we are one, big, unique (interesting) family. I grew up knowing each of my first-cousins’ name…even the names of their children. (Wow, now that I am in Canada, I got a lot of catching up to do when it comes to knowing the names of my nieces and nephews.) I have wonderful memories of large family gatherings and reunions with them. I learned how to enumerate my father’s siblings from the eldest to the youngest. In fact among us, (me, my cousins, and siblings) it has became a must to know it. I grew up hearing and loving the stories of my aunts’ and uncles’ (and of course my dad’s) stories of their childhood days. In fact, their stories were also used to teach us lessons (e.g. of obedience). And these stories are reminisced often with loving recollection, for they bring warmth and laughter.

I remember having to memorize Rev. 12:17. I don’t know the memory verse by heart anymore, but I know it’s about an enraged dragon that made war with the remnant of the Church. This memory verse became quite like a legacy passed on to my father’s generation and then to ours. But one thing for sure, the fear of the Lord and loving the Word is a valued principle instilled and exemplified to us by my grandparents. That, for sure, is one legacy they passed on to us.

When I was growing, my parents instill in me and my siblings the importance of worship. We’d had bible games along with the reading, songs, and prayer. There were lots of fun memories of family worship that I enjoy to recollect. When relatives get together, worship is still there. In fact, it’s more fun. We have three pastors, and quite the rest are active church members and some of them work in our denomination. I remember a particular reunion wherein the whole family went to a private resort for a weekend. Sabbath was like being in a church (only much more fun) because we had enough people to have deacons, Sabbath School teachers (for a number of age ranges), and other participants similar to the worship that in a church building… from Sabbath School to sundown worship. But what I love about the big worship with all my relatives is the singing. All of us love to make music, maybe not all of us were endowed with a gift to make wonderful music, but we all love and appreciate music. I also remember when all those who play the piano had a showdown…more like a jamming session. Each took their turn to contribute to the repertoire.

I remember launching an evangelistic seminar as a family where we assembled a choir and Victory in Jesus became a family anthem.

I remember that Sabbath afternoon is not about sleeping for most of us…it’s either AY or about singing songs. And afterwards, if we are in a familiar territory, it is preceded by a stroll. Kuyog! (Ahhhh…memories! Can’t wait for another set!)

But what makes our gathering so memorable is the humor. We tend to be loud because of our laughter that is caused by the humor that almost each of us possesses. Our humor comes from the humorous ordinary blunder (e.g. frying one side of the eggplant or CPR without AR), from innocence/ignorance (e.g. “…anong illiterate?” or “ate irene, may medyas ka dito. Sa kabila sapatos” *pointing to the cheeks*), from wit (e.g. “Kuya Modie, may bangot o…” *in reality: ipot*), from past experiences (e.g. sumbang bituka), and up to making jokes. It keeps our reunions and gatherings ringing with laughter and full of fun. It seems that humor is a dominant gene that we inherit from my grandfather. (Although, lola has her own sense of humor as well.) Even in times of grieving we find comic relief (e.g. “Inay, inay! *sings* Di ko kayang tanggapin!” kulang-kulang na hambalusin ng inay ng payong). Even in hardships we find the time to make fun of our predicament…not that the difficulties weren’t serious, but because it relieves the stress a bit, and somehow, if you are really “in” the family, it’s comforting. To enumerate such fun and funny memories would be tedious because there is so much! These memories are what make me so excited to go home, for I know the people I hold dear and cherish are the ones that make these kinds of memories sweet.

Paraphrased and modified excerpt from one of my incomplete journals:

(August 2005)

We shouldn’t make promises we can’t keep. I mean most of us really don’t. It’s just that we end up breaking them.There are promises we whole-heartedly mean to keep, but somehow, due to circumstances along the way, we ended up failing to keep them.

These ‘unavoidable’ circumstances, are they reasonable excuses or alibi that will justify our shortcomings and understandable failures? Or are they mere crutches to ease our conscience?

No one on this earth can be certain of what the future brings. We may have a general or vague idea of what we intend to have and accomplish for tomorrow, but we never know for sure the outcome or what lies ahead. Does this fact, then, disqualifies us from making promises? Does it necessarily limit the promises we make?

Take the promise like "There’ll be no one else for me but you" as an example. Is it something reserved to be uttered before the altar only? I mean what if the couple are really not meant for each other, how does the person who made that promise going to honor his/her word? Will he/she remain single after the relationship is over? How about, "I will always love you"? What if his/her partner cheats and lies, can love continually bloom in a relationship infested with deception or deceit? And what about "I will always be here/there for you"? What will happen when physical distance or death separates them? How is the promise going to be honored? Or would that be counted against the giver of the promise?

Or maybe every promise is relative to the recipients knowledge of the giver of that promise. Perhaps it’s relative to the maker’s integrity and character. Maybe it’s relative to the recipients understanding of that promise. Maybe it is also relative to the behavior of both the giver and the receiver of the promise. If so, then promises are conditional.

Is it possible to love dearly and want something so much that it resembles a promise like these? Can one make a promise such as these based on what he/she is certain at the very moment he/she is making the promise?

I know I am not certain of what the future exactly holds for me, and I can not predict what lies ahead. However, what I have right now is a certainty of what I already know and feel based on my past and present. But then again, it is still subject to argument and perhaps change, for today passes to tomorrow. Where is the guarantee of tomorrow (that will eventually become today) in a promise given based on a knowledge of today (which possibly is subject to change, for it will surely then become yesterday)?

Are we then going to fall back on our usual recesses and say, "We are but humans, subject to mistakes"? But this statement makes sense. I am not saying it is wrong to acknowledge our frailty as humans, and I am not being unrealistic either. Yet again, as humans we never seem to conquer the fear of taking responsibility for our failures. We either step off the line as quickly as possible hoping the last person standing gets the blame. Or, we put the blame to uncontrollable situations, fate, or human nature–like the statement mentioned above.

So how can someone depend on a promise given based on a moment that will change? How can someone depend on a promise given when all things are subject to change?

It seems we cannot make a promise that is without a disclaimer or conditions attached to it. So, a promise is then conditional to the claimer’s choice and response. Perhaps it’s much better to put "if" in every promise we make for " ‘if’ is conditional to faithfulness and obedience".

As humans, we cannot keep promises on our own. But through God we will be able to.

I can still depend on a person’s promise based on his/her integrity and on trust that has been established, not based on a moment. Trusting God’s promise, on the other hand, is apart form trusting men’s words. While upon trusting human’s uttered vows, I take the risk of getting disappointed due to the fact that all of us are subject to change and failure. But trusting God’s is a guaranteed certain, and unchanging–something I can fully count on without reservation.

And even if I have a nature that is subject to failure, I can still make a promise based on my truest and noblest intentions of keeping it, in certainty of what I hope to accomplish, and in hope that my certainty is not as finicky as change itself. I can make a promise, not because I know what exactly will happen, but based on what I am sure of (up to this moment) and in hope of what I have envisioned tomorrow. I can still make promises, trusting my God will help me in keeping them.

And I can count on a promise, not because I disregard the possibility of that person failing me, but trusting that he/she will keep his/her word. (And if he/she doesn’t keep his/her word despite meeting all conditions…it’s a disappointment I will have to deal, with but it will be his/her credibility to rebuild.)

Out of the desire to ‘think out loud’ (my version of thinking-out-loud) and being prompted with a question…

What comes after ‘love’? It depends, doesn’t it? What comes after ‘cessation’? It still depends. But for me, a relationship gone awry would definitely be follwed by healing. Well, at least in my past experience it did follow. And then… afterwards, a party begins! I am single again! (Hey, why party when in a relationship and not when you’re single when in fact being single has it’s advantages worth enjoying?)

Ooops! Scratch that. I am unattached. So after healing (which happened for me in a quite decent amount of time–beats the length I was expecting. Thank God for the inspiration that drove me to focus on moving forward! I-am-unique technique works very well for me…but that strategy is another story that requires quite a detailed flashback, hence it wouldn’t be disclosed in this entry.), I found myself in the stage of total acceptance and then freedom. (When I say freedom, I do not mean that relationship means confinement. I am not against being in a relationship. In fact, I think it’s wonderful! I enjoyed my brief experience–and I can say that without sarcasm. But, again, defining ‘freedom’ is another subject which will not be included here.)

Allow me to slightly flashback a moment: I have long been recovered from my past ‘injuries’ (naks!). I moved on looong time ago. (Oh, don’t get me wrong…I did consider him special. But I think it is safe to say that my life is so much more than spending a lengthy pining session. No, I am not bitter or resentful. I am just being blunt. I mean, to anyone out there who have a recent ‘ex’ and are ‘grieving’ over what may be considered as a loss and yet can’t do anything or won’t do anything…here’s something to do: quit crying over spilled milk you either refuse to wipe off or you have already wiped off. It’s ok and natural to have that melancholic, ‘longing-for-you’ moment, but don’t prolong yourself in such state or else there is so much in life you’ll miss…and who knows this ‘ex’ may one day be a part of what life will offer you. – just a suggestion unsought for, yet given anyway) But I was asked recently with a question: is there already new chapter?

*Smiles* There is certainly going to be a new chapter, but it depends what that new chapter means. New Chapter:

a) Next chapter; the answer to the question: What happens after healing? –Then my answer would be a yes.

b) A new object of affection, either becoming or already is –To which I answered no.

For me, right now, the new chapter is what happens after moving-on –this chapter I am already living: New Chapter (a). A chapter of enjoying the present life given me. It is a joy to be in this chapter. I have grown…well, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and (yeah, yeah) physically. I live ( and I mean not just mere breathing and conscious) even with the total of money I have in my pocket and my bank account appears to be in the lesser digits. It is living with no shadows hanging about, welcoming possibilities with eagerness. And, from time to time, be swayed in the slow, even flow of life. I may be unattached (so, definitely single) but this new chapter (a) is not without love. I cherish the moments I spend with my friends and family. I try to maintain the ties I have with those who are miles away from where I am. And tho’ unattached, I am still exposed to the giggles and the griefs one finds in a relationship. Being unattached did not strip me with the privillege of hearing my friends’ stories about their own woes and ‘yeys!’. I don’t have to be in a relationship to share with them their happy moments. I don’t have to be in a relationship either to empathize with their pain. I just have to be a friend. And all these things are worth partying about. Ok maybe not literal party, but you know what I mean.

As for New Chapter (b), it’ll come if it wants to. If it will, I shall await. When it does, I shall try to do better. Oh, I’ll be excited too, as well as savor its wonderful moments. ^_^ But right now, it’s a mystery that I shall indulge to keep myself in suspense…hahahaha.

(Abangan ang susunod na kabanata…)

Reminiscing with a friend sure is a lot of fun. Yet, when you are getting old, sometimes it can’t be help to have the reality be blatantly thrown at you–’not getting any younger!’. From slangs that i once used so often seemed like a faint memory now, and pondering upon it made me realize: "wow, that was loooong time ago". i mean ‘hanep’ and ‘hataw’…di na uso! and who among you here remembers ‘over!’? and ‘gosh’?! the songs i used to sing along or sing in my head are quite classified as classic already. movies i quoted from have long earned millions already. cartoons i loved to watched back then are now cheesy to review. even sesame street is different! and is there still batibot???

i remember i used to use certain words or phrase so frequently like, ‘true’…come to think of it, i just changed it to ‘indeed!’.

*sigh* life quickly passes me by.

it’s funny how reality really hit me. it’s not that i was complaining about aging…it’s just that i didn’t really notice that i am [getting] old. hahahaha…i remember chilling with filipino friends in the dorm lobby of cuc. we were talking about what we want for our weddings, funerals (i was the only one who had my funeral somewhat planned…the rest of them think it’s a morbid idea to plan your own funeral), and special birthdays. most of us, like me never had our debut for our 18th/21st birthdays, and all girls were wishfully thinking. i never really cared for my own debut. it does not matter even if i never had one. but then i expressed how i would want to celebrate a birthday of mine–a children’s birthday party! that’s including games, and birthday cake of course! since i was the oldest in the group that had gathered, all of them opened their mouths and exclaimed, "what?!?" then one of them asked, "how old are you going to be ate?"

and it hit…oh my! i am turning 24! "these people around me are at least 2 years younger and some of them are in the same graduating class i am in! and what do i want for my birthday party? a children’s birthday party!?!" hahahahah…now that’s retro!

indeed, hahahah and a loud hahahahaha from me and from the whole group rang when i said i was turning 24.

now that i am 24…does it really matter that much that i am 24 already? nah…. in fact it’s a good consolation for most of my friends here when they complain about them getting old. because all of them are younger than me! i would just say to them, "if you are old…then what am i?" although, sometimes i get the answer…"ancient".

being 24 is like being 23, or 22, or 21, or 20…turning 24 is like turning 18, which was like turning 17. except i am bigger now, and the situations around me (and idealogies i have learned) were different…but the feeling is just the same. being 24 and single, and temporarily unemployed, and just finished undergrad isn’t that bad. i mean it will still be a while before i pass the number of days in a monthly calendar. after a year off there is med school (if i get in for 2007), and then employment? there are still opportunities. love life? it’ll come when it comes…if it comes.

some friends and some older folks tease me about my ‘biological clock’ ticking. but do they only mean that i’d be wanting a spouse and children by saying that??? but then again, single is good! if i have money to travel the world…this is the time! no obligations, no commitments, no work, and no school!

i wonder, how old am i going to be and remain single? i wonder if turning 30 would have the same feeling as turning 24. i wonder, would i feel old when i turn 25? mind you, my joints have long been hurting! hahahaha….

She came to my room, hesitating at first. But she resolved to knock instead. I opened the door and saw her standing looking at her fidgeting feet–something that tells me she was thinking. Startled by me opening the door immediately, her eyes greet me with a blank stare, lost from her train of thoughts.

I let her in my room, and we sat on my bed. Although she chatted about life in general, she seemed distracted. The sparkle in her bright eyes were quite dim. The bob of her short shiny hair was not reinforced by her usual fun, cheery self. When she finally ran out of things to say, she revealed what was in her mind.

She just needed a second opinion. But why does a dream bother her so much this time? She is logical and rational; steady and firm once her mind is set upon something. Hasn’t she vowed to herself that once she moved on she will not look back? And why this dream be any different? It isn’t unusual to dream about him!

What is so different about this dream that could possibly change her? I would be of no help if I am asking the same questions she was asking me.

We both sat and wondered in silence. I do not have the answers. I don’t think I will ever have them. I wonder if it implies something…perhaps a strong and persistent feeling she smothered into nonexistence. Perhaps it hadn’t died away like she thought it did. Maybe its bleak existence still lingers in the recesses of her heart, of her mind.

Her thoughts mirrored mine. For a moment her eyes communicated fear, as if asking in response to my deliberation; it says, "how can it possibly be when I cannot find myself taking him back if ever it would be the case?" For a moment confusion was expressed in her eyes as she gazed into oblivion. However, like a flash of lightning, a glimmer glazed over the concerned looked of her eyes. Resolute like her character, her eyes burned with a new fervor…a new strength. Something changed. She reached out for my hand to clasp it within hers. And her strong grip and her eyes, dancing, spoke of determination. I was happy to see her bright eyes again eager and renewed. Has she found the answer, I wondered.

No. Neither of us will find an answer to such questions, especially questions bore from such dreams. She found not an answer, but an approach.

She left my room bearing her confidence. How did she find it back? I don’t know. Like me, she still doesn’t have the answers, but she did leave me with a way to look at it. It was just a dream, nothing more. So what if there is a tiny possibility of a bleak loving feeling? She had loved him, and that is that. The thought was only a tiny possibility…nothing more. Her life continues. It didn’t stop with the cessation of her relationship with him. Hence, she cannot lag behind merely waiting for answers, especially answers that might not even be there to begin with. Why crumble from the past? And why now?

As long as God grants us breath, our life continues. So, what about it? It was just a dream, a possibility…nothing more.

She closed her eyes, and for a brief moment she felt peace. Yet, the feeling of weigtlessness escaped her when she saw his face. Could it be? Could it really be him? She wondered if he is real. But what if he is real? What would she do?

He came slowly and she stood still. He came walking with that same stride she knew so well. And even from a distance she can tell it was him. That built, that frame, that stature…she knew him.

He sheepishly smiled. (Even that didn’t surprise her at all…it’s him alright!) And the next thing she knew was her hand holding his. It still fits. She looked at her hand held within his clasp. She moved her gaze up to his arms and to his face.

"What will I see?" she wondered. "Will I see a familiar face or a stranger? What would his eyes tell me? Will it meet mine as naturally as it had before? And what if it does…will I read comfort? A promise? Or perhaps kindness? What if his eyes meet mine, will I look away? Or would it compel me to smile?"

In her deliberation, which seemed to happen in a split second, she focused her eyes to his face…

She lets out a sigh. It was all a dream. A dream she never had for so long. A dream that brought wonderings she thought she’d never have…questions she will never have an answer to. A dream that brought him back into her thoughts.

Let Me Love You

If in a heartbeat I can love you a hundred times,

Let me love you twice as much its ten times!

If in one breath all my heart’s longings will be poured out,

Then let our lifetime be spent to share our love!

And if infinity allows me to love you forever,

Then let me love youa million lifetimes more!

I love you with all of me!

one of the few weirdest and funniest dream i ever had was last night’s dream:

i came home one evening. as i was waiting for the elevator down at the apartment building’s lobby, eric came out of nowhere and stab me right on my right side just below the ribs. as i was bewildered as to what happen he ran outside the building. for some reason i went outside too, hoping i can find help. (why didn’t i just used the intercom to call home? i don’t know…i guess this is one of the illogical things common in a dream) then, as i was staggering, kenny came driving by. (for what reason? who knows!?! it’s a dream) the hilarious thing was, he was driving a pedicab! (mwuahahahahaha)

me: "kenny, you must bring me to the hospital quick!"

kenny: "what happened to you?"

me: " i have been stabbed"

at this point we saw eric lying on the street unconscious. for some reason he got hit by a car–a hit and run. so…

me: "let’s bring him (pointing at eric) along with us too."

kenny: "but how? i only got so little space"

(duh! he was riding a pedicab!)

me:" we can’t just leave him there! he needs assistance too. we can just lay him on the pedicab."

kenny: " i guess."

so kenny and i struggled to pick eric up and put him on the little tiny cab. i scrambled and tried to position myself on the seat while trying to give kenny enough room to drive and pedal. with eric lying across the floor of the pedicab and i holding on to my seat as well as my innards, we sped off into the night and off to highway 7.

kenny asked me where the nearest hospital was and i pointed using my hand to the direction, but i also informed him the traffic condition and the possibility that i might get him lost in the process. so we opt to go the nearest clinic instead; thinking that they can offer atleast first aid. (well, we are on a pedicab and distance is not a good thing)

me:"which clinic are we going to?"

kenny: "down near torbram"

me:"but why? there is one just next block from here!"

kenny: "i am more accustomed to that."

so kenny went speedily pedalling away down highway 7. while on the road, although i was dying, i still felt embarassed by the fact that we are on a pedicab. cars are honking at us even though kenny was crazily pedalling away. then we reached woodbridge and kenny asked me:

Kenny:" where was that clinic?"

me: "that was streets and streets past….way down there! you have missed the turn."

then the little pedicab fell apart. eric went rolling down the street and yet still unconscious. so i went over to the side of the street while kenny tried to wave cars down for a ride. nobody paid any attention to him. he ended up across the street from where i was. so we had to communicate by shouting.

and then….jasper, kenny’s younger brother, came driving by in a red car.

me: "jasper, thank goodness!"

jasper: "psst, uy! what are doing?"

me:"you gotta take me to a hospital. i am dying"

by this time kenny was able to cross the street and for some reason my sister appeared.

jasper: "but i only have so little room."

me: "it’s ok we’ll cram"

so kenny and i crammed at the back seat with him crouching and huddled on one end and i on the other. the thing is, my feet were up against the back seat while facing kenny. my sister was sitted beside jasper.

me: "jasper, please drive carefully. every bump makes me feel even worse."

so jasper avoided all the potholes but the traffic flow was kinda busy. then, a school bus blew-up behind us, sending a car speeding towards our direction. when i saw the car flying towards us, i shouted, "jasper, hurry i still want to reach the hospital in one piece and alive!" as i tried to push the incoming car away from us through the broken back window of the car.

well, that wasn’t the end of my dream because the scene changed to something else, but that’s where i will cut it. (whatever happened to eric, i really don’t know! i think we lost him when he went rolling off the street…ooops!)

funny…i was studying for biochem  right before i had that dream…so i don’t know to what connection i should relate it too. but i think it was hilarious and everytime i remember it (esp. kenny’s pedalling!) i chuckle. i think it’s one memory i should keep because it makes me laugh…hence, i put it into writing.

Let my lips speak of Your glory

Not just in thanks but in honor of Your praiseworthy name;

Not just when I receive blessing, but even when I am tried.

Let my voice sing of Your might

Not for my own glory, but for and in worship;

Not only when I feel joy, but despite of sorrow.

Let my hands impart Your kindness

Not to gain merit, but as thanksgiving for Your generous blessings;

Not just when I am able to, or because I got something to give,

       but even if it requires a little sacrifice.

Let my thoughts ponder on Your plan

Not so I am in control, but so I can follow;

Not for me to tailor it to my own, but so I can change my plans to fit Yours.

Let my heart share Your grace

Not so I can reap other’s forgiveness, but to impart love;

Not so I assure myself of salvation, but because I am saved.

(draft made around oct ‘05)

I realized that I’m now beginning to find a new song that starts playing in my heart. There is a new twinkle in my eyes that is starting to flicker. And when I laugh… I geniunely laugh with gusto, not because I manipulate my focus on the positive side of life, not because I chose to dwell on joy, not because I am over-riding a feeling, but because I genuinely can.

It seems that trials come in a procession. There is just but enough moment for you to catch your breath, and once more something turns up. That is why, sometimes I find myself a little paranoid that maybe around the bend another ‘challenge’ would pounce on me.

After the whole ‘drama’ (ahahah…naks!), I never give any deep thought for another possibility. But, suddenly the probability of opening myself again is thrown at me. I have never really thought about it for a while now. Wow, it’s funny what kind of ponderings I come up with while waiting for sleep to overtake me! I ask myself now, ‘Am I ready?’ Even tho’ i know that a person’s mistake cannot be someone else’s penance, somehow my views changed, if not marred.

But, now that sleep is beckoning me…I have come to a conclusion. This dillydallying is something I can procrastinate. Push it back to the recesses of my subconscious mind, and deal with it only once the situation is actually at hand.

So upon wondering I said to myself, "Self, live life without any worries. Live life with just the necessary, can’t-be-help concerns. Sing! Laugh! Be merry! Live!"